Saturday, March 29, 2014


So I recently became aware of a very special corner of the internet that was devoted to Paula Deen riding things.

I think you need to see this.

Okay, so I officially have a life.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

How To Pick Up Girls

Let's face it.  We've all heard our fair share of awful pick-up lines.  This post is to prove to you that there are in fact worse ones in existence.

So without further ado, here's a series of pickup lines that are 100% guaranteed to work.  Trust me, I'm an expert in these matters.  After all, I made most of them up.

1.  Does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?

2.  Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

3.  Did you fall from heaven?  Because your face is freaking jacked up.

4.  Stop being so sweet.  Seriously.  My diabetes is acting up.

5.  Did you fall from heaven?  Because your legs are broken.  (Don't say this to someone in a wheel-chair)

6.  Dang girl, are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet, because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there being you and I respect that.

7.  If you were a tree, you'd be a pretty good tree.

8.  Girl, I wanna tap that like our nation has tapped into major natural resources such as oil and coal.

9.  I want to use your skin to make a lampshade.  Because you light up my life.

10.  I'm Kurt Cobain.

Well THAT escalated quickly.

That actually didn't escalate much at all.  I've just been looking for a chance to use that gif.

You.  Are.  Welcome.

(credit for photo)

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I Tried To Study...It Didn't End Well

After I finally opened my laptop and told myself to get down to business, I proceeded to tell myself that I had to defeat the huns.  Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?

Anyways, thankfully I managed to do a couple assignments just in time for the due date.

I rewarded myself by watching just one episode of Doctor Who.

What could go wrong?


Long story short. . .

I guess my plan of doing homework was FOILED.

Hehe, sucky humor is beautiful.

Friday, March 21, 2014

How To Watch Star Wars Like A Sexy Person

If you know anything about anything and are an decent member of society, you probably hate Jar Jar Binks.  And you probably don't care much for Star Wars Episode I in general.  I mean, as much as I love young Anakin, the whole episode was completely pointless.

For most people, there are two obvious ways to watch the Star Wars movies:

The Release Order:  4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.

The Episode Order:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

But fabulously snazzy people like me don't settle for either of those methods.  The problem with the Episode Order is that it gives away the fact that Vader is Luke's father in freaking episode 1!

And the problem with the Release Order is that at the end of episode 6, when Luke's looking over at his mentors, Yoda and Obi Wan are joined by a creepy looking teenager that really needs a haircut.  So that basically ruins the Ewok party, due to the fact that the creepy guy looks like he's undressing someone with his eyes.

I now present to you the most mind blowing way to watch the Star Wars movies.  It purposely leaves out Episode 1.  You're welcome.

It's called. . .

Le Machete Order:  4, 5, 2, 3, 6.

Mind = Blown

Picture a movie that starts out with a bank robbery.  You naturally want to know how the main characters decided to rob a bank, and the events leading up to that event, so they give you a flashback with the events leading up to it.  Then they finally show the climax of the story, which in Star Wars is Episode 6.

Star Wars will never be the same again.

Oh, also, click this link.  It proves that there are still people out there that don't know Vader is Luke's father.


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Cause of Death: Sarcasm

I recently became aware that my sense of humor is almost entirely sarcasm-based.  Well, that, and "that's what she said" jokes.  Or sometimes just staring at someone until they realize they said something perverted.

My mom always makes a point of telling me she can never tell if I'm being serious about something or not.  And my dad just tells me to "stop being a smart-ass."

But that's not even a problem.  I honestly can't think of a single situation which isn't worth being sarcastic in.  I think I actually kinda have a problem with taking my sarcasm too far.  Kinda like this kid.

If you didn't click the link, it's basically a news article about a dude who got in an argument with a cop and said, "Oh, you're gonna shoot me?"

The cop shot him six times.

. . .

He is officially a sarcasm god.  This is him.

All hail the grand wizard of sarcasm.  His name's Robert.

I want to meet this kid in the afterlife and become his best friend.  He has absolutely no say in the matter.

It only occurred to me after I read that news article that a similar scenario will probably come my way in the near-future.  And what scares me the most is that I won't realize I went too far until I'm dead.

I was recently at a friend's house.  Yeah.  I have friends.  Anyways, her mom was cutting pie, and accidentally made multiple sexual innuendos that I'd rather not say.  I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from exclaiming proudly, "that's what she said."  So basically I had a close encounter with death that day.

I'm just worried one day I'll meet the president and he'll make an accidental sexual reference in front of me too.  Let's face it, I'd probably get deported if I acted like myself in front of Obama.

So anyways, the point of this post is to tell you that I'm a tad sarcastic and mean sometimes.  Anytime I take it too far, just say, "Audrey, remember what happened to Robert," and I'll probably stop.

Actually, I probably won't.

Friday, March 14, 2014

How To Time Travel

This is kind of a rare post.  I never really make report-type blog posts about educational stuff, but I happen to find this subject very fascinating.

Everyone in elementary school learns that the sides of a triangle always add up to 180 degrees.  However, in the last century, people realized that other forms of geometry were possible.  If you made a vertical line from the north pole to the equator, the equator being the bottom line of your triangle, and then made a line back to the north pole, you'd have a triangle with three right angles.

Congratulations.  You broke science.

This type of geometry is called Non-Euclidean geometry.

It may sound shmancy, but you already know what normal Euclidean geometry is.

That's it.  Euclidean geometry is when you draw shapes on a flat plane.

Just like how you can make a triple-right-angled triangle on a curved surface, many people believe that time can be manipulated in curved space as well.

Here's a poem that explains how to time travel:

There was a young lady of Wight,

Who traveled much faster than light,

She departed one day,

In a relative way,

And arrived on the previous night.

So that's the answer, right? If we build a space-ship that can travel faster than the speed of light we can go anywhere in time, right?

Er, no.

Unfortunately it would take an infinite amount of energy for a spaceship to travel faster than the speed of light. So basically if you're from our generation, and want to go to a Pink Floyd concert, too freaking bad for you.

But don't worry. Einstien's got this. He stated once in a paper that the effects of gravity could be described, by supposing that space-time was warped or distorted by the matter and energy in it. We can actually see this "warping" of space-time produced by the mass of the Sun, in the slight bending of light or radio waves, passing close to it.  The bendiness of the radio waves is only a thousandth of a degree,  but it's still pretty cool, right?

Seriously, this subject fascinates me so much.  If you don't like this post, screw you.

Back to le topic ._.

Anyways, when radio waves act all bendy-like near large objects in space, that only supports the theory of general relativity.  Not surprisingly, the amount of bendy warping stuff happening in our solar system is barely anything at all, considering the fact that the gravitational fields are all pretty weak.  However, we know that very strong gravitational fields can exist, for example in the Big Bang, or Black Holes.

On another note, there was this smart science dude named Kurt Goedel, and he found a solution of the field equations of General Relativity, which basically means a universe in which all the matter is rotating.  In this universe, it was possible to set out in a space ship and arrive before you left.  Turns out Kurt Goedel went to the same college as Einstein, and enjoyed derping around by disproving simple things such as arithmetic in shmancy smart-like ways.  Also, the fact that Kurt contributed to the fact that time travel was possible, kind of pissed off Einstein, who thought time-travel wasn't possible.  One does not simply piss off Einstien.

We now know that Kurt's model of a universe couldn't represent ours, because his model wasn't an expanding one.

However, there are more reasonable solutions allowing time travel that have recently been discovered.

One of the solutions involves these things called Cosmic Strings that formed after the Big Bang.  Science Fiction writers don't know about them yet, so you are an unintentional hipster at the moment.  You're welcome.

Anyways, one of the more plausible theories of a universe that will allow time travel involves the Cosmic Strings.  They're a form of "theoretical physics."  Cosmic Strings are strings under enormous tension (like, we're talking 100 billion billion tons).  A Cosmic String attached to our Sun would make it go 0 to 60 in a 30th of a second.

Both Kurt's theory, and the Cosmic String theory have a common factor.  Time is definitely warped, because it's curved, making time travel a possible scenario.

Great!  Now that we have all this information we can totally just become time lords and travel around in the Tardis now. . . right?

Um, I have bad news.

If someone made a research grant application for time travel, it would probably be dismissed immediately.  No government agency could afford being seen spending public money on something theoretical such as time travel.

Closely connected to time travel is the ability to travel from one part of the galaxy to another in a reasonable amount of time.  To do that, we'd need a wormhole.  If instead you wanted to travel back in time through a wormhole, the ends would have to be moving relative to each other.

To create a wormhole, one would need to warp space time in the opposite way, to that in which normal matter warps it.  Ordinary matter curves space time back on itself, like the surface of the Earth.  So now we just reverse it!  It's totally simple deep-space science involving negative mass, and negative energy density.  A third grader could figure it out.  Really.

Crap, I'm letting my sarcasm take over this post too.  Dear lawdy this is getting out of hand.

Anyways, this negative energy density stuff is called Quantum Theory.  Maybe you've heard of the similar phrase, Quantum Physics?  Yes?  No?  Okay.  Quantum Theory basically allows energy density to be negative in some places, just as long as it's positive in others :D  I'm not gonna explain how Quantum Theory concerns your life in the least because I honestly don't know.

Yay!  Now we have experimental evidence from Quantum Theory, and the bending of light, that space-time is in fact curved (like the non-Euclidean geometry I showed in the beginning), and we can in fact warp it in a negative direction.

But my question is, if we soon find out the secret to time travel in the future, why haven't any "future tourists" visited us in our time and told us awesome stuff about their cool technology and lives?

Or maybe they have been coming all along!  They're just not allowed to act like they're from the future and they have to blend in to prevent people from freaking out.

I'm going to log off now.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The Epitome of Procrastination

I have literally been working on the same painting for like two years.

It was originally gonna to be a Christmas present.  But it soon advanced to a birthday present.  Then to a Mothers Day present.  If I stay on my current track, it will probably end up being a sick joke for a funeral present or something.

So since I'm never going to finish it, I might as well show it to you guys before it fossilizes.


As you can see, it's clearly not finished, but I'm too lazy to work on it.  I'm sure I'll get around to it in a century or two.

I've got this handled, guys.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Nerdness Is Complete!

I found a Doctor Who reference in a Game Of Thrones book.

You're never safe from them.  You can run, but you can't hide.  Even in another fandom's book.


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Playing Guitar With A Certain Celebrity Again

I love it when people obsess over things because of me.

I consider myself responsible for most of my friends' obsessions with Never Shout Never, and also for a select few awesome people watching all of Sherlock in a single weekend.

But I'm especially proud of myself because recently, I taught a Sleeping With Sirens song to a celebrity.  Remember the guy from this blog post?

He recently taught Amanda and I another guitar lesson.

But this time we actually played guitar.

I was so happy.

I hereby present a 100% accurate visual description of what happened that day.


I was so proud of myself.  I played/sang two songs for him and it was the most boss moment of my life.  After, he asked what band was on my shirt.

Never ask what band is on my shirt unless you are prepared to be bombarded with reasons why they are the meaning of life and why you should love them more than ice cream.

Long story short, my second guitar playing experience with a certain celebrity was ten times better than the first :D

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Parent Logic

This blog post will be a lot like my School Logic post.  So read that one before you read this one.



Anyways, without further ado, here's an exaggerated list of things I find my parents saying a lot that hopefully you can relate to.

Oh!  You have bad grades?  It's that darn phone's fault.  Your room is messy?  It's because of that freaking phone!  You're hungry?  It's that gosh darn phone again!

We changed the wifi password.  No, we're not telling it to you.

Oh!  You're room's clean??  I see a speck of dirt right THERE!!!

You have an A- in AP Geography?  Here's a Burger King job application.

You're going to a Mozart concert?  Who is this Mozart?  Is he a good influence?

You're wearing a shirt with a Supernatural reference on it?  Is it a gang symbol??  Are you in a cult???

Too far?

What??  You can't have food!  Dinner will be ready in six hours!!!