A 100% Accurate Summary of the Twilight Saga

. . . I don't know how this happened, but somehow in one day I have started and finished the first book in the Twilight Saga, cleverly named "Twilight."  I have hit my absolute rock-bottom, and have decided to blog about it.

A Summary and Review of Twilight

Bella Swan, literally translating to "Beautiful Swan" (good one, Meyer), moves to the rainy town of Forks, and the whining starts on page 1.  Within the first 10 pages, Bella proves herself as an ungrateful, demanding, self-pitying little jerk.  She is completely and utterly obsessed with high school, and is 0% (I rounded up) grounded to anything other than impressing her "inferior" classmates."  Speaking of classmates, Stephanie Meyer has absolutely no idea what it's like to be a new student somewhere.  Bella's classmates's reaction to her moving in can be summed up simply; "OMG A NEW STUDENT.  EVERYBODY LOOK AT HER AND BASK IN HER SUPERIORNESS!!"  She is immediately adored by everybody in the school except for the Cullens; a pale, straight-laced, immortally stuffy family, who's kids- in the midst of their powers and unlimited years of life- choose to re-live high school for over 100 years.  Bella and Edward fall in love within 30 pages, most of which is spent in Bella's puny brain, debating "Does he like me?  Does he hate me?  Do I like him?  Why does he hate me?" which goes on and ON and ON.  Oh yeah, and I also love how much of an insensitive twat Bella is to her male classmates (other than Edward) that show affection for Bella in genuinely non-creepy ways (such as breaking into Bella's house to watch her sleep).  Two-thirds of this book is spent with Bella floundering around in her pathetic emotions, and the plot shows up in the last 50 pages, when an EVIL vampire named James wants to eat Bella (he's my favorite character).

There is no redeeming quality in this book, except perhaps the fact that it sucks the reader in, forcing them to finish it in a single day *cough cough.*  Meyer writes Twilight as if the reader has a brain the size of her writing-talent, telling them every little detail of what happens inside each character's mind.  She doesn't leave any room for mystery, suspense, or intrigue.  The characters walk around like they have sticks up uncomfortable places, and have cut-out and dried personalities.  Not to mention stereotypical.  It's sad that the author obviously wanted Bella to be a strong female character, but instead, makes her totally useless.  Her "love" with Edward literally consists of them staring into each other's eyes all day arguing about who's prettier (I swear I'm not making this up).

Twilight should be rotting on some smart publisher's desk with a pile of rejection letters, instead of being compared to Harry Potter and literally gaining the title "THE GREATEST NOVEL SINCE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."  No.  Just no.

Things That Annoy Me

This post is heavily inspired by this girl, so before I get arrested and thrown in a torture chamber for violating a bunch of copyright crap, visit her link.

Anyways, here are the things everyone does that annoy me to the point of no return.

1.  When teachers don't erase the board completely.

2.  When people have the literary ability of a toddler, and volunteer to read aloud in class.

3.  When I open a DVD case and a different movie is in there.

Outside

Inside

5.  When you ask someone a simple, trivial question, and they ramble on and on about everything BUT what you asked them about.

6.  When people say "What's up?"  (I never know what to say back to them.)

Me on the outside

Me on the inside

7.  When I have an itch on the bottom of my foot, but can't itch it because I have a shoe on.

8.  Couples that say, "We're pregnant."  No, sir.  You don't have a uterus.  Your wife does.

9.  People who don't clear the microwave numbers after they're done.

Credit for photos:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Marvels-Avengers-Assemble-Robert-Downey/dp/B00742SZEU
http://pcsd-lightspeed.pcschools.us/access/web?id=4223a955-d27d-11e3-8fea-002590617f30

Oh!  And on a completely unrelated note, I saw Spiderman 2 today, and it was seriously mind-blowing and amazing on so many levels.  I highly suggest you go see it and we can become best friends for ever!!

How To Watch Star Wars Like A Sexy Person

If you know anything about anything and are an decent member of society, you probably hate Jar Jar Binks.  And you probably don't care much for Star Wars Episode I in general.  I mean, as much as I love young Anakin, the whole episode was completely pointless.

For most people, there are two obvious ways to watch the Star Wars movies:

The Release Order:  4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.

The Episode Order:  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

But fabulously snazzy people like me don't settle for either of those methods.  The problem with the Episode Order is that it gives away the fact that Vader is Luke's father in freaking episode 1!

And the problem with the Release Order is that at the end of episode 6, when Luke's looking over at his mentors, Yoda and Obi Wan are joined by a creepy looking teenager that really needs a haircut.  So that basically ruins the Ewok party, due to the fact that the creepy guy looks like he's undressing someone with his eyes.

I now present to you the most mind blowing way to watch the Star Wars movies.  It purposely leaves out Episode 1.  You're welcome.

It's called. . .

Le Machete Order:  4, 5, 2, 3, 6.

Mind = Blown

Picture a movie that starts out with a bank robbery.  You naturally want to know how the main characters decided to rob a bank, and the events leading up to that event, so they give you a flashback with the events leading up to it.  Then they finally show the climax of the story, which in Star Wars is Episode 6.

Star Wars will never be the same again.

Oh, also, click this link.  It proves that there are still people out there that don't know Vader is Luke's father.

(credit)

Parent Logic

This blog post will be a lot like my School Logic post.  So read that one before you read this one.

DO IT!

CLICK THE LINK!

Anyways, without further ado, here's an exaggerated list of things I find my parents saying a lot that hopefully you can relate to.

Oh!  You have bad grades?  It's that darn phone's fault.  Your room is messy?  It's because of that freaking phone!  You're hungry?  It's that gosh darn phone again!

We changed the wifi password.  No, we're not telling it to you.

Oh!  You're room's clean??  I see a speck of dirt right THERE!!!

You have an A- in AP Geography?  Here's a Burger King job application.

You're going to a Mozart concert?  Who is this Mozart?  Is he a good influence?

You're wearing a shirt with a Supernatural reference on it?  Is it a gang symbol??  Are you in a cult???

Too far?

What??  You can't have food!  Dinner will be ready in six hours!!!

The Worst Type Of Betrayal

Some people may be aware that I used to be a contributor on this Disney Blog, run by Matthew Burns.

*Breathes slowly to build up dramatic effect*

I will attempt to contain myself as I recall this story. . .

So there I was, checking my blogger dashboard like a sexy person. . .

When I noticed something missing from my dashboard. . .

I only had one blog.

One.

GAAAH!!!  MATTHEW MUST PERISH IN FLAMES!!!!!

I am going to kill you.

Anyways, after brutally murdering Matthew in my head for a day, I finally decided to sort the situation out.

My efforts of gaining my spot on the blog back were futile.  Apparently "Stories of FOUR Disney Freaks" didn't sound as good as "Stories of THREE Disney Freaks."

-__-

So. . . yeah.

Anyone wanna start a blog?

School Logic

A small disclaimer:  I actually really like school.

This post was inspired by a certain person blogging about the similarities between communism, and our school system.  Surprisingly, there's a lot of similarities.

Anyways, here's a visual list of things I could see the school system saying.

Enjoy :D

School System:  Oh!  You wore a hat to school?  You're obviously a terrorist.

School System:  Oh!  You want to go on Wiki Answers?  Sorry, you're obviously looking for porn.

School System:  Oh!  You want to go on Tumblr?  But you also want good grades?

HAHAHA, that's a funny joke.

School System:  Oh!  You have five textbooks, a laptop, an instrument, three binders, and a coat you have to bring to school every day?

Here's a string bag.

School System:  Oh!  You have a library fine?  You're obviously a psycho criminal.  No yearbook for you!

Someone get this menace off the streets!

School System:  Oh!  You want to eat healthy?  Here's a leaf and some rubber.

School System:  Oh!  You can't fit everything in your string bag?  Here's a preschool-sized cubby.

School System:  Oh!  You want to go on Youtube, where there's lots of distractions and multiple sketchy things?

Go ahead.  Here's the link.

School System:  We gave you internet.  Why are you failing school?

Anyways, hope you liked :) Cya