Sunday, September 21, 2014

A 100% Accurate Summary of the Twilight Saga

. . . I don't know how this happened, but somehow in one day I have started and finished the first book in the Twilight Saga, cleverly named "Twilight."  I have hit my absolute rock-bottom, and have decided to blog about it.

A Summary and Review of Twilight

Bella Swan, literally translating to "Beautiful Swan" (good one, Meyer), moves to the rainy town of Forks, and the whining starts on page 1.  Within the first 10 pages, Bella proves herself as an ungrateful, demanding, self-pitying little jerk.  She is completely and utterly obsessed with high school, and is 0% (I rounded up) grounded to anything other than impressing her "inferior" classmates."  Speaking of classmates, Stephanie Meyer has absolutely no idea what it's like to be a new student somewhere.  Bella's classmates's reaction to her moving in can be summed up simply; "OMG A NEW STUDENT.  EVERYBODY LOOK AT HER AND BASK IN HER SUPERIORNESS!!"  She is immediately adored by everybody in the school except for the Cullens; a pale, straight-laced, immortally stuffy family, who's kids- in the midst of their powers and unlimited years of life- choose to re-live high school for over 100 years.  Bella and Edward fall in love within 30 pages, most of which is spent in Bella's puny brain, debating "Does he like me?  Does he hate me?  Do I like him?  Why does he hate me?" which goes on and ON and ON.  Oh yeah, and I also love how much of an insensitive twat Bella is to her male classmates (other than Edward) that show affection for Bella in genuinely non-creepy ways (such as breaking into Bella's house to watch her sleep).  Two-thirds of this book is spent with Bella floundering around in her pathetic emotions, and the plot shows up in the last 50 pages, when an EVIL vampire named James wants to eat Bella (he's my favorite character).

There is no redeeming quality in this book, except perhaps the fact that it sucks the reader in, forcing them to finish it in a single day *cough cough.*  Meyer writes Twilight as if the reader has a brain the size of her writing-talent, telling them every little detail of what happens inside each character's mind.  She doesn't leave any room for mystery, suspense, or intrigue.  The characters walk around like they have sticks up uncomfortable places, and have cut-out and dried personalities.  Not to mention stereotypical.  It's sad that the author obviously wanted Bella to be a strong female character, but instead, makes her totally useless.  Her "love" with Edward literally consists of them staring into each other's eyes all day arguing about who's prettier (I swear I'm not making this up).

Twilight should be rotting on some smart publisher's desk with a pile of rejection letters, instead of being compared to Harry Potter and literally gaining the title "THE GREATEST NOVEL SINCE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."  No.  Just no.

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